Dividing and Reigning: What Really Happened
by Aardvark123
Summary: When the legendary psi master Zelle was asked to act as her namesake admiral, she never imagined she'd need to work with Captain Wyteny. And she certainly never imagined Wyteny's attitude towards officious admirals. Throw in an attack on a Romulan space station and some herring and pumpkin pot pie, and you've got yourself an adaptation of a controversial, now-defunct mission...


**~Author's Note~**

This story is set in an alternate universe with three key differences from the usual one:

1\. The new tactical command battlecruisers are a viable choice for people used to escorts.

2\. I can afford one.

3\. "Taggart's Revenge" isn't too long to be a starship name.

**~The Actual Story~**

Somewhere in the Alpha Centauri sector block, the USS Taggart's Revenge hurtled through the void, her bisected warp nacelles blazing with energy. There was a job to be done in Romulan space; one only Starfleet's finest could hope to handle (or their second-finest at a pinch). Captain Wyteny Yvoot, Starfleet's newest captain and biggest Kai Kira fangirl, was deep in discussion with Admiral Zelle.

"Wyteny, about our mission," Zelle paused momentarily, as one does before saying something of great import. "There are a few ground rules I'd like to establish. Y'know, to preserve the security of the Federation and... stuff."

"Go on."

"First, no contact whatsoever with the Romulans."

Yvoot nodded. That stood to reason.

"Second, I must insist that no telepaths accompany us during the mission."

"Can I ask why?"

"You may," said Zelle graciously.

"...Why, exactly?"

"Well, it's to do with my vow of celibacy. I'm a Deltan, you see-"

"Right, no problem. No telepaths whatsoever. Got it," said Yvoot quickly.

Zelle smiled. "They told me you were quick on the uptake. While we're on the subject, do you have any... moral issues?"

"With what, Sir?" asked Yvoot.

"Just generally," said Zelle innocently. "I mean, any qualms about killing Romulans, or breaking into their space station to look for illegal weapons?"

Yvoot considered that. "If it's the Tal Shiar... not really, as long as we have good reasons for persecuting them. I trust you, of course."

"Good."

"All the same, violence is our last resort," Yvoot went on, a slightly self-righteous air washing over her. "They made it clear that we never shoot before asking questions when I was at the academy-"

"Less that a year ago," Zelle interrupted.

"...True."

Zelle smiled an infuriatingly condescending smile. "I don't mean to condescend to you, Captain, but leave the ethical dilemmas to me. All right?"

_If she pats me on the head, I shall scream._ "...Yes sir," said Yvoot.

"Good." Zelle rose to her feet. "As you were."

And she was off.

Yvoot sighed. She knew she couldn't expect most admirals to respect her, what with her insanely fast promotion, but there was something about Zelle which rubbed her completely the wrong way.

* * *

The landing party- all senior officers, according to Starfleet regulations- were assembled in transporter room one.

"Zarva?" said Kolez.

"Hm?" the Bolian replied.

"Did you bring the medical generator?"

"Of course, and the turret," Zarva assured him, gesturing to her pockets.

"Who's bringing the tribbles this time?" asked Elisa.

"As you Humans, Bolians, Bajorans, Saurians or Deltans would say, Muggins here," replied T'Vrell, gesturing to her shoulder-bag, which was bulging with tribbles.

"Saurians never refer to themselves as Muggins," said Kolez, rolling his eyes. "_Everyone_ knows that."

"And who's "everyone"?" asked Yvoot.

"Good question," replied Kolez. "Everyone who happens to be a Saurian."

"So, the eye-rolling, self-righteousness, general atmosphere of incredulity that we don't know how Saurians express themselves... that's directed at us non-Saurians because?" Elisa prompted.

"Well, it's a laugh, right?" Kolez explained.

"True," Elisa admitted.

"If it weren't for all reputable psycholigical studies detailing the positive effects of pre-mission banter, I would find that a poor explanation," said T'Vrell.

Admiral Zelle finally snapped. "Will you lot shut up?!" she screamed. "Shut it! And by "it", I mean your stupid, oversized mouths, your horrible circular pupils, your smooth skin...! If we were still in Fluidic Space, I'd rip your back legs off and beat you to death with-" Oh, great. She'd done it again. "Uh... w-what I mean is, um..."

"Admiral... please stop talking. Temporarily." Yvoot took a deep breath. "I know my crew and I aren't what you were expecting, but you personally requested the Taggart's Revenge for this mission. I'd like you to give us the benefit of the doubt a while longer."

"...Wha...?" Zelle could hardly believe Yvoot hadn't picked up on her being an Undine.

"I stand by this ship and this crew, in every sense of the word, and I won't let you insult us without good cause. Do we understand one another?" Yvoot went on. Any concerns she may have had about standing up to an admiral were left shattered by her titanium-plated Bajoran willpower.

"...Yes. We do. Yeah, of course. Right." Zelle cleared her throat. "Captain Wyteny, are we ready to leave?"

Yvoot glanced around at Zarva, Elisa, Kolez and T'Vrell, all of whom seemed ready. "We are. Energise."

"'Bout time..." the transporter operator muttered, giving the "energise" button a surly press.

* * *

Almost as soon as the away team had finished materialising, Yvoot was acutely aware of the five Romulan guards staring at the group. The guards also seemed pretty aware of the intruders.

Yvoot cleared her throat. "We are here on a mission of peace, and, um..."

Five plasma pistols pointed in her general direction.

"Um, if I could perhaps-"

"LET'S KILL THEM!" roared Zelle, unsheathing her tsunkatse falchion and flying at the Romulans.

Everything went crazy. Phaser beams, plasma bolts and the occasional severed limb flew hither and yon, and there was scarcely time for anyone to think as they set to blasting the shinola out of anyone in the other kind of uniform.

A few moments of giddy, out-of-breath silence followed the fight. Yvoot doubted she could ever truly get used to it. On the other hand, her being alive enough to feel all gritty and realistic about combat was a good sign.

"Good fight," said Elisa cheerily, dusting her phaser a little. She was neither gritty nor realistic. "Let's see... one, two, three, four... Zarva's behind me. That's everyone."

"Is anyone wounded?" asked T'Vrell. "I have tribbles for most eventualities and sufficient medical supplies for any injuries beyond their capacity to heal."

"One of them might've got my leg," Elisa replied. "It doesn't hurt, though."

"Let's hear it for personal shields!" Zarva put in.

"Right, then," said Zelle loudly, "let's be off. I have little doubt that this orbital station is habouring dangerous weapons, too powerful for Romulan hands. The Republic could maybe be trusted with a couple, but definitely not the Tal Shiar. So let's KILL THEM ALL!"

"Or," Yvoot proposed, "we could quietly search the facility for evidence, then deal with whatever we find as and when we find it."

"I like my plan better, but yours is fine, I guess..." said Zelle unsurely. It wouldn't do to arouse Captain Wyteny's suspicions any further.

"Then that's settled. We shall search the station in secret."

* * *

"Ooh, what have we here?" cried Zarva, tipping out the contents of a small box. "Self-sealing stem bolts, fresh from the forges of the Tal Shiar! Say what you like about them, but their stem bolts sure can seal themselves."

"And everyone knows how easy it is to convert three self-sealing stem bolts into a biogenic warhead," said Zelle grimly, turning one of the bolts over in her hand. "If the Romulans have more than this one box, the entire Alpha Quadrant could be toast."

"Uh... how, exactly?" asked Zarva.

Zelle stared at her. "Didn't they teach you anything?! In my day, any chief engineer worth their salt could make a biogenic warhead from self-sealing stem bolts..."

* * *

"Fascinating," commented T'Vrell, gazing impassively at a shelf of test tubes and bottles of various liquids.

"I suppose so. How, exactly?" asked Yvoot.

"It isn't. However, I have learned that saying "fascinating" on a regular basis can endear me to emotional species," replied T'Vrell. "If you must know, this shelf contains only medical supplies."

* * *

"Gee... There's not exactly much to write home about..." muttered Elisa, staring dejectedly at her tricorder. "No trilithium or anything."

"Since when did you say "gee"?" asked Kolez, giving her a sideways look.

"Since now," replied Elisa. "The most powerful substance here is cordrazine, and there isn't much anyway."

"One might be tempted to say Admiral Zelle was wrong about this place," said Kolez. "Loudly and theatrically, while punching her in the face several times."

* * *

A few hours later, the landing party, concealed behind some shelves in what seemed to be both a laboratory and a bedroom, were enjoying their lunch. Admiral Zelle stubbornly refused to admit defeat, so Yvoot had had a picnic beamed over.

"Do you think we're ever going to find any dangerous weapons?" asked Elisa, through a mouthful of herring and pumpkin pot pie. "I mean, we must've searched the entire station by now, and we've killed most of the guards..."

"If you could stop being so pessimistic, we'd be done within minutes," said Zelle heavily. "And would it really hurt to finish masticating your food before you speak?"

Elisa thetrically swallowed her pie. "Well, I'm sorry, it's just that I get the distinct impression we're on a wild goose chase. I'm allowed to have a distinct impression, aren't I? I mean, freedom of speech-"

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Zelle. "Is this what your beloved Starfleet Academy teaches people?! Just give up as soon as things start getting a little boring?! I mean, at the Undine Academy- er, which I've, um, read books about- we, they, I mean, are, um... what was I saying?"

What she was saying would have to wait, as a couple of Romulan scientists chose that moment to enter, carrying a large metal crate between them.

"Everyone be quiet," hissed Yvoot, just in case anyone needed a reminder.

Hoping the scientists wouldn't notice Kolez's spilled mango juice, the away team listened in as best a silence as they could manage.

"It's strangely quiet, don't you think?" one of the Romulans commented, leaning wearily on the crate. "Almost as if there are some people making an effort to suck all the noise out of the room..."

"You've been having too much ale, So'Hari," her companion chided her. "There's nothing stealthy enough to actually cancel out ambient noise."

"Wanna bet?" muttered Zelle, whose host had the complete intelligence skill tree.

"True," So'Hari acknowledged with a sigh. "Noval, do you think we'll ever be able to help all the people dying in the Imperial Navy?"

"I doubt it..." said Noval grimly. "The Tal Shiar'll never stop throwing innocent young people at their enemies. Not while Sela and that ugly git of a colonel still live."

"Well... why do we even bother?!" snapped So'Hari. "There's only so much a completely innocent medical supply station like ours can do to stem the flow of blood. Sooner or later, the empress is gonna open the floodgates, and then-!" She sobbed loudly. "S-she'll make us murder orphans and use their tears to power our engines of death and kill everyone and make blood sacrifices and... oh!"

Shedding a waterfall of tears, So'Hari juddered to a halt, practically falling on Noval and loudly blowing her nose on his tunic.

"Oh, So'Hari... it's all right, really," Noval assured her. "Someday, we Romulans will live in peace with our Klingon, Human, Andorian, Bolian, Orion, Bajoran, Ferasan, Caitian, Reman, Nausicaan, Lethean, Suliban, Xindi, Vulcan, Ferengi, Malon, Tellarite, Borg, Undine, Iconian, Changeling, Vorta, Jem'Hadar, Vaudwaar, Talaxian, Saurian, Cardassian, Yridian, Deferi, Benthan and Gorn brothers and sisters and oh who am I kidding?"

Noval burst into tears. After a few minutes, he rather pointedly blew his nose on So'Hari's tunic.

* * *

"Well," said Zelle, sick to her stomach, "that happened. We'd best be off, then. Weapons to find, Romulans to maim..." She broke off, resigning herself to how hard it would be to talk her way out of this. "Look, they could've been in denial."

"Oh, I think we all know who's in denial," growled Yvoot, retrieving her phaser. "What is it with you and the Romulans, Admiral? Ears too pointy? Too hard to do the reputation projects? Well, why do you want us to kill them?!"

"Er... um, well... I... that is to say, uh..." Oh, screw it. "Prepare to die, treacherous denizens of the Alpha Quadrant!"

With a mighty roar, Zelle rose to her full height, tearing free of her Admiral Zelle costume. Limp flaps of biomimetic cosplay material fell to the floor, revealing the massive, tripedal body of an Undine psi warrior in her prime. (Fun fact: her name really was Zelle.) Unsheathing her tsunkatse falchion, which looked even deadlier in Undine hands, Zelle charged.

Not allowing even a moment's fear to waylay her, Elisa threw what remained of her pie in Zelle's face. Zelle pounced on Elisa, slamming her brutally into the floor, and raised her falchion for a killing blow.

The blow never came. Four phaser beams, or "orange fire-bolts of justice" as Elisa's report later described them, lanced into Zelle, burning through her skin. She screamed, more angry than in pain, and took a swipe at Yvoot, slashing a long laceration clean across her stomach.

"Owwww!" was all Yvoot could think to say.

"Apply this tribble to the wound, Captain," said T'Vrell, quickly handing Yvoot a small brown tribble. That done, she methodically set her phaser to maximum power and stunned Zelle right in the eye.

"Owwww!" screeched Zelle.

Kolez punched her in the face, attracting a ferocious swipe of her long, heavy arm, which he caught. Kolez then swung Zelle clean over his head, slamming her down on the picnic basket.

That made it Zarva's turn, and she rose to the occasion with aplomb, giving Zelle a sound kick up the bum. Zelle screeched in pain, leapt awkwardly to her feet and lashed out with her hind leg, catching Zarva on the knee.

Thinking fast, Yvoot threw the tribble at Zelle and lunged towards Zarva, whose stricken knee gave out just in time to pitch her into Yvoot's waiting arms.

"Thanks a bunch," said Zarva shakily.

"You're welcome. Wait there," said Yvoot, kicking aside some picnic basket shrapnel to make room for Zarva. She laid the Bolian on the floor as comfortably as possible, unholstered her spare phaser assault minigun and sprayed Zelle with orange fire-bolts of justice until, with a final twitch of defiance, Zelle breathed her last.

* * *

"Crew of the Taggart's Revenge, you have been found guilty of murder, sabotage, espionage, trespass, armed robbery and cruelty to tribbles. You will lower your shields immediately and prepare to be boarded."

The familiar bridge of the Taggart's Revenge gave little comfort to Yvoot, what with the three D'deridex-class battlecruisers pointing at her.

"I assure you, we had no intention to hurt the poor thing. As to all those other charges, we were investigating reports that you were developing dangerous weapons, banned under intragalactic treaty. We, uh, deeply regret, um..."

The Romulan commander clearly wasn't buying it.

"He's clearly not buying it," whispered Elisa.

"Well, quite," said Yvoot.

"Can't say I blame him, to be perfectly honest," Elisa went on.

"Shut up," said Yvoot.

"Your deep regrets are no concern of mine," said the Romulan, with a really quite premature air of smug victory. Turning to someone on his ship, he added, "Fire at will!"

With a deep, heartfelt sigh, Yvoot glanced over at Kolez. "Red alert. Attack pattern alpha. Elisa, do the high-yield torpedo thingy and fire as soon as you get the opportunity. Let's roll!"

They rolled.

* * *

"Captain's log, supplemental:" Yvoot dictated. "We've handed over the Undine to the Daystrom Institute, some members of which, I am told, jumped at the chance of dissecting such a fresh Undine corpse. I am glad to hear that the real Admiral Zelle is unharmed, albeit still paralysed from the neck down and covered in chocolate mousse. The way the Undine succoured me, though... it's a humbling prospect, to say the least. She played on my weaknesses, my lack of confidence... There's hardly any of those, so fair play to her. What's more, the way she made use of Admiral Zelle's intel abilities was disturbing. I can't shake the feeling we've got a long and complicated web of Undine-related intrigue ahead of us."


End file.
